Bank of America…I weep for you. The taxpayers bailed you out in 2008 to the tune of $45 billion. But unfortunately it wasn’t enough. You are still struggling, and no one has any sympathy. Allow me to appeal to the masses on your behalf. People! Why don’t you pick on someone your own size? Can’t you see we’ve got a hurting bank here? They’re only asking for a measly $5 a month from you. Is that too much to ask? I say nay. They are being far too kind. Allow me to put forth some proposals I’m sure will return them to solvency more quickly, allow them to attract top talent and be a bank we can continue to be proud of.
1. Five dollar a month for ATM fees? Oh B of A, you humble, modest, gosh-darn bank you! The fee should be five dollars per transaction! We’ve got to get you healthy and do it quick. You are anemic and sickly, a shadow of your former self.
2. Then, the *monthly* fee would be the ATM fee fee. After all, this is creating a lot more work for you, to ding our accounts for every transaction. You should be compensated for this extra work.
3. A bank tax. Who wouldn’t object to a 1% bank tax? Just roll it in with our payroll deductions. This will guarantee our banks will always be healthy. Surely that peace of mind is worth a measly 1% tax!
4. We’ve got the annual Farm Aid concert to help farmers. But what about the banks! Let’s get an annual Bank Aid concert going!
5. Tooth Fairies for B of A. Let’s get a campaign going to get kids to proudly donate the money the tooth fairy gives them to…Bank of America. What kid wouldn’t want to do that?
6. We need to get creative. If everyone out there sold their blood plasma just once and donated the pay to B of A, just think how far that would go to returning this bank to fiscal health.
So come on people. If we don’t act now, we’re going to be seeing “Bank of Anemica” sitting on the corner, sad and forlorn, holding up a sign that says “Will bank for food.” I know that’s a pathetic sign of abject poverty that I don’t want to have in my mind and on my conscious. So people, come on! Let’s help this bunk…er, bank!